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...through the good times and the bad [Mar. 2nd, 2005|05:45 pm]
[Current Mood |calmcalm]
[Current Music |library white noise]

Again about being bad with the posting...but real life has kind of monopolized my time lately, so sorry kids, you haven't gotten to read about me.

Last weekend was interesting to say the least. My dumb ass got Lacy and I kicked out of the Social D show on Friday night...for drinking. Yep. I fucked up again. And this time it was during something that a) Lacy paid for; and b) had a great deal of significance to me (and to her). Cheesy as it may be, we bonded over Social D while things were still awkward and we were still gauging how we felt about one another. These were the love songs that defined something we had that we couldn't safely call "love" yet. I couldn't miss the opportunity to have us see them played live when I could actually tell her how much I love her. We left the show, she cried, and I couldn't let it end there.

There was a second show on Saturday night that we were trying to get on the guest list for (via the guitarist of Street Dogs, Mike McColgan's new band), but that fell through. After some convincing, she let me chance it and drive us down there on Saturday night. She was to sit in the car and wait while I potentially spent whatever amount of money necessary on scalped tickets to get us inside. I was completely unsure if I could pull this off, but I wasn't about to sit at home and wonder what would've happened if I didn't at least take a shot.

Lady Luck smiled on me or something because I got two tickets for a fairly reasonable price within the first two minutes of soliciting people on line waiting to get in. I broke into a run back to the car, tickets in hand, and we got on line. I said a silent prayer in hopes that they weren't fake and I didn't get fucked again. They scan the tickets and they are, in fact, the real deal. We go inside, enjoy Street Dogs and suffer through the other openers, and wind up close enough to touch Mike Ness while he's singing the songs I fell in love with her to.

I admit I'm a fuckup. I'll never let anything like that happen again, and I understand that I didn't completely fix the situation. But I did everything I could to set it right, and the chips just kind of fell into place after that. That's one of the only times that I took a long shot and it worked out for me -- for US. I hope I don't ever disappoint her like that again.

Just got my first test back from my Women in Religion class - 97. Awww, yeah. in ten minutes I'll be getting back my Abnormal Psych test, which promises to be less stellar. Eh, can't win 'em all.

John, if you're reading this, call me if you haven't left yet. Didn't hear from you this weekend. I need closure, dammit.
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couldn't resist [Feb. 24th, 2005|11:25 am]

Adopt Your Own Emo Kid!
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school is for fools...like me [Jan. 27th, 2005|09:12 am]
[Current Mood |geeky]

Haven"t posted here in a while...largely due to the fact that I went BACK TO SCHOOL! That's right kids, after two years, finally back into the swing of things. I've been saying that I'd go back for a while now, and it was just about time I put my money where my mouth is, even though that's a bad idea since money is dirty and full of germs.

So far, I'm enjoying it thoroughly. I took classes I'd be interested in since it's my first semester back and I don't want to ruin my outlook by taking crap courses that I'd hate and thus never go back again. On top of that, I joined the GLBT club in my efforts to get involved. This club is no joke, though. They actually do stuff for the community and for their cause, it's not just a social gathering or a dating service, like a lot of these clubs tend to be. We're doing an informational coffee hour for the GLBT clubs and GSA's of local high schools, to teach them how to get more involved, and I decided to be on the committee for that, so now I have to call these schools and find out if they have these clubs, and if so, who their contact is. We'll see how cooperative their administrations are.

Along with school comes studying, something I have not done for my class that starts in an hour and a half. So I'm off to do that. And in the immortal words of the wise old sage Mr. T,


...And if anyone wants to go to the Met with me next Tuesday afternoon, let me know. I have an art history project I have to do there.
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recall on the 1984 model [Jan. 14th, 2005|08:58 am]
[Current Mood |indescribable]

There are some things you can't just pretend away. You can hide it from people for some time, but when it comes down to the people who really matter, things come to the surface. The things you come to fear and be ashamed of the most will be brought into the light when you least expect it. And you will hate yourself for it, because there's nothing you can do to change it. You are irrepairably flawed, and they know now. That knowledge will change you, change them, and change your relationship without doubt. It will hurt. It will eat its way through you like a rat through your stomach, urged through your body cavity by the hot coals over its cage. The torture is unbearable. Try looking them in the eye now. Chances are it will be difficult. It will be strained. It will never be the same.

Send this one back. She's defective.
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angsty is my middle name [Jan. 12th, 2005|11:23 am]
[Current Mood |melancholymelancholy]

I am fucked as of late. My brain is reverting to its old habits of teetering between depression and anxiety. I'm getting panic attacks. I'm getting self-destructive impulses. I am overwhelmed. I am ready to quit. I would go to the doctor and get medication but I have no insurance and cannot afford the prescriptions. I don't even know if I'll have enough money to pay my bills this month. School starts in a week and I am not registered. I am in the weeds, as they say.

Jimmy, an old friend of mine who moved away just before my mother died, called me yesterday saying he moved back to Jersey. He was in my car within five minutes of me talking to him, such was my enthusiasm to see him again. We talked a lot and have more in common now than ever, and I think having him around me will be one of the better things that happens to me this year. We always said it was me and him against the world, and I think that holds more truth now than it ever has. I am grateful he's back home again; he's the only person that knows me from early adolescence, knows where I came from and how I got where I am now. We used to smoke a lot of pot...with my mom. Good times. Come to think of it, he's the only person I know who's met my mother. Everyone else has come into my life after the fact. That's a scary thought. All the more reason for me to thank my lucky fucking stars for fate giving him back to me.

I started smoking again. I am weak. And worried about what I'll do to myself if I have no chemical support. I'd rather not find out.
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i'll turn the pages for you [Jan. 4th, 2005|02:43 pm]
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |dashboard confessional - a plain morning]

I should be getting ready for work. Meh.

I'm having some serious trouble sticking to my New Year's resolutions...well, one of them. The taking care of my body and not eating shit 24 hours a day isn't that difficult. The quitting smoking, however - that's not going too well. I'm an emotional wreck. When you have a dependency like that and then break it, you realize why you had it in the first place. A lot of old emotions that I thought I had processed years ago are coming to the surface once again, and it's scaring the shit out of me. Mind you that I was quite aware that I am a headcase, but I didn't expect to be as volatile as this. I don't like feeling crazy. Not in this way.

And it must be contagious, because my poor girlfriend is going through a smiliar situation. Not diclosing any more than that (that's her prerogative, not mine), all I can say is that this is the only time I've been grateful for my mental deficiencies, because I now have a basis of comparison to use to help her through some tough stuff. I only hope I can do enough for her to make it okay.

I have said in the past that the first person to read to me in bed has my heart forever. Last night it was Lacy and me trading off when one or the other got tired of talking. She is just the most amazing girl. I think it was what we both needed. I am bringing a book to her house tonight, and I'm looking forward to having her head in my lap, with a cup of tea and an afghan, reading something new to both of us. This is love, no?

Even when things get really shitty, life has a way of throwing you a bone to at least make it bearable. This will always amaze me.
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Egg nog and whiskey with a Valium chaser [Dec. 24th, 2004|11:08 am]
[Current Mood |discontentdiscontent]
[Current Music |bright eyes - lovers turn into monsters]

Well, I'm done. It's 11:08 on Christmas Eve and I finished my holiday shopping about 15 minutes ago. Nothing like the last minute. I have to say, though -- I work well under pressure. I think everyone will be happy with their gifts. Yay for being in the spirit of giving.

I can't say I'm happy this year, though. I'm trying hard to like this season, I really am, but it just ends up sucking for me every year for one reason or another. It's not unbearably bad, just...blah. Maybe this is what this holiday will amount to for me indefinitely. It could just be that this is what Christmas is like for adults, but I doubt it. I seem to be missing something. Who knows, it could be all in my head. I just feel like I should be happier.

Feeling helpless sucks. Feeling hopeless sucks more.

I have a lot to do today -- we're supposed to go to Barbara's sister's house at four, but the thing is, my dad is stuck at work until further notice; he might not get out until about six-ish...and I have no desire to go without him. I don't know what I'd do. I'd wind up sitting in a corner talking to...oh, that's right. No one. I'd rather nap instead. After that it's dinner at Mark's house with Lacy, who I'd like to see beforehand because I fucked up again last night and we need to talk and make up and all that...I think that has a hand in what's fucking me up mentally right now; oh, tangental...and finally church (!) at 11 tonight. I have to wrap presents, do the pedicure thing, and figure out what I'm wearing. Maybe make some homemade Christmas cards. Depends how festive I'm feeling. I think it will probably be somewhere in the area of "not very." I can't shake this apathy. Very disconcerting.

Merry Christmas, everyone.
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Fever...in the morning, fever all through the night... [Dec. 19th, 2004|11:18 am]
[Current Mood |calmcalm]

Okay, show of hands, who is sick of this holiday season?

I can definitely say that I am. So sick, actually, that I went psychosomatic and got insanely ill on Friday. I was working a private party, by myself, and all of a sudden couldn't stand up straight, breathe correctly, or hold any food down. Wonderful. This is exactly what I need with a bunch of snooty rich people sitting at a table five feet away from me. So after four and a half hours of dry heaving behind the bar, I finally get someone to cover me and drive to Lacy's house. This girl can always manage to make me feel better. We watched some of the second Kill Bill movie, then she had to go to work, but her mom was nice enough to let me stay on their couch while she was gone. She took my temperature, too...100, which is a lot for me, considering my normal body temp is about 96...and I then understood why I felt like shit. I watched SLC Punk on their big-ass TV, and cried like a bitch at the end of the movie (did I mention I am the sappiest, most pathetic motherfucker when I'm sick? Yeah.), then wound up passing out on the couch until Lacy came home at some ungodly hour from work and woke me up. Never have I been happier to see her. She took me upstairs and together, we broke my fever with some effort. I hope to be sick again soon. Yesterday I woke up feeling alright, if not a little weak; she took me out to breakfast and I ate for the first time in two days...eggs benedict seemed the way to go. I am cured.

Today I have to work a party. Again. At least it starts early and although I have to come in an hour earlier than usual, it should be over early and I may actually get out in time for The Sopranos. Not that I watch it anymore, but still...you get the picture.

I still haven't done any shopping. Ask me if I care.

They're calling for snow tonight. Bets are currently being thrown down on what time I'm going to have to leave to get to work at 10:30 tomorrow. Jamaica is looking mighty nice right about now...
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guys, please stop trying to get in my pants [Dec. 8th, 2004|06:47 pm]
The Christmas season is now in full swing. I can barely contain my enthusiasm. Or my sarcasm. You choose.

I've been really busy with work lately - there's at least one holiday party every day at that restuarant, and I've been bartending most of them. It's a lot of work, and a lot of time, but damn, the money sure does make it worth it. I may actually have enough to have a proper Christmas this year, and pay my bills to boot. Hot damn. I've only bought stuff for Lacy so far; I'm actually done shopping for her, and now must move on to everyone else. Is it wrong that I'm only worried about getting my girlfriend quality gifts, and I could give a shit about everyone else's? That's debatable. But oh man, did I do good for her birthday. And Christmas. But mostly her birthday. I can't wait to see her face. Let's hope she's as psyched about it as I am.

Julie finally called me yesterday. I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I'm supposed to be hanging out with her tonight but she's at a shiva (oy!), and I don't know how late that will run, so we'll see. If not tonight, then tomorrow. I hope it's tonight though. Something tells me we'll wind up down the shore, as used to be the status quo with us. In any case, I'll probably be seeing the sun rise, which is awesome. I miss that more than I can get across in words. Yay for me getting my best friend back.

I was supposed to go out to dinner with one of my regulars from the bar tonight, but I found out he was interested in me, so I formulated a weak excuse and got out of it for the time being. I was more or less told by two people that I was pretty naive to think he just wanted to go out to dinner for the hell of it, as friends. This reinforces my hatred of trying to make friends, specifically male ones. If there are any guys you know of who are fun to hang out with and won't want to fuck me, please send them my way.

Tomorrow is getting-shit-done-on-my-day-off day. My room is a wreck. I haven't even gone downstairs yet today because I don't want to see it for fear of a panic attack. I suppose I could be cleaning it now but I'm not in the mood. And for the love of God, I need to walk tomorrow. I am a lazy girl. I haven't walked in four days. But I've lost five pounds. Go figure.

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R.I.P. nose ring [Dec. 2nd, 2004|10:10 am]
[Current Mood |crappycrappy]

All I want is some apple juice right now. And all we have is orange. Blah.

I overslept today. Not that it matters much since I'm off. But I did have some stuff that I wanted to do before I went out today, and now the time I have until then will not afford me that luxury, so here I am wasting some more time. Not entirely, I suppose, but anyway...

I'm going to Mel's house today to get the last of my crap that has been sitting there since I moved out. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping we can both be big girls about how we act towards one another; hopefully enough time has passed since the breakup to allow us to act in a civil and non-awkward way towards each other, although I'm not so sure. In any case, I'm getting it over with.

I took my nose ring out three days ago, and I think it's for good this time -- it kept getting irritated from taking it out and putting it back in for work, and it became a hassle...is it weird that I feel like I lost a piece of my youth by taking out my last facial piercing and not planning to get another one? Another one of those ways that life gets crappier as you get older. Or I'm just reading too far into it. You decide.

Last night was spent watching The Birdcage and The Record of Lodoss War. Watching the latter rekindled the gamer in me, and I called Brian to ask to borrow his D&D books, which he's fine with. Rock. I also tried to remember my card from LAIRE, which was not so successful as I cannot remember all my warlock skills. And now the not-knowing is gnawing at my brain and I have to email Logistics and ask for a copy of my card. I really want to go back but I don't know how Brian will feel about that. Plus the weekends off thing would be tricky. Maybe I'll go once in spring and see what it does for me. Couldn't hurt.

And my dad just called and told me I need new tires and I'm going to have to pay him for them this weekend. One of them was flat when he went to take my car to work this morning, and now all of a sudden I need four. Go figure. And then he tells me the "tally is adding up." I'm not exactly sure what he meant by that but it's something to do with me owing him money. Other than car insurance, I don't know for what. But he's apparently keeping this secret tally and I'm gonna have to pay up at some point. I guess he'll just have to hold his breath.

Once upon a time, this morning, I was in a half decent mood. Ah, memories...
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